When Couples Therapy Is Not Appropriate
- Regina Bernius
- May 14
- 3 min read
Why a Therapist Might End Couples Therapy Early or Decline to Continue Treatment
You finally made the appointment. You both showed up. You were ready to do the work.
And then your therapist said, "We cannot continue couples therapy right now."
That moment can feel like a door slamming. Like you have been turned away from the one place you were brave enough to walk into. But that is often not what is happening. A therapist who pauses or ends couples therapy early is not withholding care. They are being precise about what kind of care is actually needed. Pausing treatment might be the most ethical and safe choice.
Most people assume the first few sessions are about sharing your story. The history, the patterns, the things that keep going wrong. And they are. But those early sessions are also a clinical assessment. A trained couples therapist is not just listening to your concerns. They are evaluating whether couples therapy is the right structure for what is present in your relationship right now.
Part of that assessment involves ruling out what clinicians call contraindications. These are factors that make couples therapy not only less effective, but in some cases actively harmful. Identifying them early is crucial for good clinical practice.
The Three A's of Contraindications
Across couples therapy field, there is broad agreement that certain factors make couples work inappropriate regardless of how motivated the couple may be. These are known as the Three A's:
Active Addiction
Abuse
Affairs
When any of these are present and ongoing, couples therapy may not be appropriate. Not because the relationship does not matter, but because the foundation that couples therapy requires is not yet in place. (Some approaches and therapists may make an exception with an appropriate structure.)
Active Addiction
Couples therapy depends on both partners being genuinely available: emotionally honest, present, and able to engage with what is real between them.
Active addiction compromises that foundation. It affects a person's capacity for honesty, their ability to be fully present, and dependability that couples work requires. This does not mean a couple navigating addiction can never do relational work together. It means the addiction needs dedicated attention first, or at minimum alongside, for couples therapy to have any real traction.
Abuse
When there is a significant power imbalance in a relationship, the therapy room can become an extension of it.
Couples therapy is designed for two people who can speak and be heard with relative equality. When abuse is present, that equality does not exist. A partner who is being abused is not in a position to be open and vulnerable in a joint session. Being relational, keeping the relationship at the center, is not appropriate when one person's safety and dignity are not being respected.
There is also a real risk that the abusive partner uses the session as another opportunity for manipulation, further control, or harm. A skilled therapist will recognize this dynamic and will not continue couples work. They will do their best to connect the person being harmed with appropriate support and resources, often carefully and discreetly, with the goal of preserving safety above all else.
Affairs
There is an important distinction here. When an affair is known to both partners, couples therapy can be part of the healing process. The betrayal is painful, but both people are working with the same reality. That kind of honesty, however hard, is something couples therapy can support.
When an affair is ongoing and one partner does not know about it, genuine couples therapy is not possible. You cannot do honest relational work when a significant truth is being withheld. The sessions are not grounded in what is actually happening and can be harmful in further reinforcing deception. This is something to prevent, thus making couples therapy not appropriate.
Being Told to Wait Is Not Being Turned Away
If a therapist tells you that couples work is not appropriate right now, that is not a rejection. It is a redirection toward the support that is actually needed.
Meaningful relational work requires honesty, presence, and enough safety for both people to be real with each other. When those foundations are significantly compromised, addressing what is in the way first is the more supportive path. It creates the conditions that make real couples work possible. The right support at the right time is what makes change sustainable.
Disclaimer
If there is a significant power imbalance in your relationship, or if you feel afraid of your partner, please seek support. You deserve safety and respect, not a couples session that puts you at greater risk.
Written by Regina Bernius
My work focuses on couples therapy and Accelerated Resolution Therapy, supporting people on the path toward personal and relational healing. Sessions are offered in person in Orange County and virtually across California. If you would like my support or have questions, please reach out.
